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So I am "home," finally. I got in yesterday evening after an extremely turbulent, delayed, medical-emergency-filled-flight. Last night I spent the night at Amir's. I was fairly tired and just ended up passing out that night after watching Baraka and smoking a little bit. Today, however, his lover came in via train at 7:30 a.m. and I've since been fending for myself. I have yet to pass judgment on the lover of my best friend, I think that probably takes some time. They look like identical twins though, and that is creepy, but all they talk about is their amazing experiences traveling extensively abroad. I don't have a whole lot to offer there. I think I'd rather admit that I've never been out of the country that admit to these two that I have indeed been out of the country! Mexico and Canada, woah woh weezer. Regardless, I'm staying with my parents tonight, after having tried to consume as many Cosmo's as physically possible. Any behavior of mine is mistaken as drunkenness sadly, even prior to me having a sip. I guess I am weird and most cannot conceive a strange person whom is nott under the influence. I get it all the time in Brevard, so being molested here regarding my drinking habits is somewhat normal and socially acceptable in comparison. I've openly admitted thus far, that I am still in complete and totally denial regarding being home. I even told my mom, the bitch who is "bummed" tonight according to fucking facebook. I say, go have your fucking affair and stop putting your god damn misery on everyone else. Yeah?
silenceonpaper
17 November 2008 @ 10:36 pm
So tonight I called my mom and asked her a simple question about this new pill I started. BTW Loestrin24 gives you stomach cramps like none other. But anyway...she didn't answer and right as I looked at my phone an hour later she called back. Yes she says, changing the dosage of the pill can def do that to your stomach. And then somehow within minutes, my mother admits to me she had somewhat of an affair with another man. It was 90% intellectual and 10% physical, which in my mind is worse than straight up having sex with someone other than your spouse. After hearing the full story...I couldn't help but have the desire to thank this man. He told her exactly what she DESERVES and NEEDS to hear...and he encouraged her to relive passions of her past, such as writing. And damn the next fucking day he brings her a journal, in which he scribbled across the first few pages all the right words. A perfect letter to my mother, far more encouraging and deep than I could ever create. THIS is the kind of man my mom deserves. Meanwhile, last night my dad held my mothers hand for a brief moment in bed for the first time in almost 12 years. She automatically thought, "he must know...is this his way of showing he cares?" HOW SAD IS THAT!?! that the moment my father touches my mothers hand it means somethings up. It is so far removed from the norm that she has to question a brief touch on her hand.
Meanwhile, I am the daughter. I love them both and want nothing more than both of parent's to be truly happy. The hardest part, is my 12 year old brother totally picked up on the fact that mom and his fencing coach have more of a connection than she and dad. He's a smart kid. He picks up on that shit.
I find myself sad at the prospect of my parents splitting up and happy that they may each have a fair chance at happiness.
the lessons i learn...do exactly what they did not.
Meanwhile, I am the daughter. I love them both and want nothing more than both of parent's to be truly happy. The hardest part, is my 12 year old brother totally picked up on the fact that mom and his fencing coach have more of a connection than she and dad. He's a smart kid. He picks up on that shit.
I find myself sad at the prospect of my parents splitting up and happy that they may each have a fair chance at happiness.
the lessons i learn...do exactly what they did not.
10 November 2008 @ 10:23 pm
like coal you say
it'll be a diamond one day
from all this pressure
this passing time
i'm rare and it took work to find me
sometimes you treat me like i'm abundant
i dirty your hands
blacken your lungs
these things take time
you tell me
because new love grows old
but i'm still a precious commodity
old love grows old
and coal turns to diamond
i don't seem to shine; the way you'd hoped
i'm still a renewable resource
in your mind
like wine you say
it'll be mighty fine one day
from all this aging
the passing years
i'm rare and it took work to find me
sometimes you treat me like a 2008
i insult your mouth
i hold no body
these things take time
you tell me
because new love grows old
but i'll be worth it one day
old love grows old
and wine turns to treasure
i don't seem to taste; the way you'd hoped
i'll be better in a few years
in your mind
New love can't last forever. Maybe it becomes better with age. But Old love grows old when you seem to forget its worth.
it'll be a diamond one day
from all this pressure
this passing time
i'm rare and it took work to find me
sometimes you treat me like i'm abundant
i dirty your hands
blacken your lungs
these things take time
you tell me
because new love grows old
but i'm still a precious commodity
old love grows old
and coal turns to diamond
i don't seem to shine; the way you'd hoped
i'm still a renewable resource
in your mind
like wine you say
it'll be mighty fine one day
from all this aging
the passing years
i'm rare and it took work to find me
sometimes you treat me like a 2008
i insult your mouth
i hold no body
these things take time
you tell me
because new love grows old
but i'll be worth it one day
old love grows old
and wine turns to treasure
i don't seem to taste; the way you'd hoped
i'll be better in a few years
in your mind
New love can't last forever. Maybe it becomes better with age. But Old love grows old when you seem to forget its worth.
07 November 2008 @ 12:46 am
if i could fall from my shoes and sink into you it might be fun
or tragic
if i could wear your band it could become the land
and that might be funny
if you could stumble into my broken arms we might cry, or we could laugh; because they're broken, we're broken
if all the world were deaf we might not hear a whisper but we could see a mountain
if i fell off the face of this earth you might come looking for me, or giggle because i finally did it
if you were to turn to stone and never speak again, i might turn cold, or try and chip away at your arm for a souvenir
if i could dance naked in your presence would you take a step back and watch or join me?
or tragic
if i could wear your band it could become the land
and that might be funny
if you could stumble into my broken arms we might cry, or we could laugh; because they're broken, we're broken
if all the world were deaf we might not hear a whisper but we could see a mountain
if i fell off the face of this earth you might come looking for me, or giggle because i finally did it
if you were to turn to stone and never speak again, i might turn cold, or try and chip away at your arm for a souvenir
if i could dance naked in your presence would you take a step back and watch or join me?
06 October 2008 @ 04:00 pm
laryngeotracheitits. that means my throat and chest hurt and i can't breathe. I am so tired of being sick! Anytime I ever start slacking on taking care of myself and my body, I need to remember how shitty pneumonia, shingles, and whatever I have right now feels. The worst part is missing school and work. I cannot afford to miss either. I feel like I am at war with my own body all the time. It doesn't help on top of things to feel guilty for being a perpetual petri dish of bad luck and poor immunity.
I hate Sanda Lee. I am convinced she is trying to vicariously re-live her childhood through the little princess parties she throws for little girls. Only she pours a little alcohol into her princess punch. She looks like a fucking tool in this pink poofy dress she is wearing. She is making arugula salad with pears, pecans, and blue cheese, garlic and ginger sauteed shrimp and cous cous with greek olives and spinach. What kind of 5 year old girls want to eat that at their 'princess party?' ok i probably would have...but still, i think that is what Sanda Lee wants to eat at her princess party. If you want to throw yourself a gaudy pink and sparkly party with a hideous table scape, go for it, but don't use little girls as your scapegoat.
I wish Sanda Lee had Laryngeotracheitis. Bitch.
I hate Sanda Lee. I am convinced she is trying to vicariously re-live her childhood through the little princess parties she throws for little girls. Only she pours a little alcohol into her princess punch. She looks like a fucking tool in this pink poofy dress she is wearing. She is making arugula salad with pears, pecans, and blue cheese, garlic and ginger sauteed shrimp and cous cous with greek olives and spinach. What kind of 5 year old girls want to eat that at their 'princess party?' ok i probably would have...but still, i think that is what Sanda Lee wants to eat at her princess party. If you want to throw yourself a gaudy pink and sparkly party with a hideous table scape, go for it, but don't use little girls as your scapegoat.
I wish Sanda Lee had Laryngeotracheitis. Bitch.
04 October 2008 @ 10:55 pm
If I knew where to start, I'd probably start here:
That's how I would start this entry if I knew where to start or what to say.
Perhaps I don't know what to say because I have little to say. That, or far too much.
Either way, if I were to end this here-
it'd be now.
That's how I would start this entry if I knew where to start or what to say.
Perhaps I don't know what to say because I have little to say. That, or far too much.
Either way, if I were to end this here-
it'd be now.
01 October 2008 @ 09:52 pm
I came across something meaningful tonight.
I think I have been searching in the wrong places and the wrong people.
I can't create meaningful relationships when the meaning just isn't there.
I think I have been searching in the wrong places and the wrong people.
I can't create meaningful relationships when the meaning just isn't there.
01 October 2008 @ 12:09 pm
I feel funny. I feel like something is missing and I can't quite identify it.
Being an existentialist makes me want to live, search for meaning, create it, forgive myself, and also commit suicide.
I don't feel complete, and I am lacking "the courage to be." It's my responsibility to find it and at the same time I am told never to feel guilty for taking care of my needs even though others will judge me because of it. That is the process of discovery.
Today my body is feeling worn and empty, and telling my I need to spend the day resting and laying in bed. For the first time today, I was told by somebody if that's what I need to help myself today, than to do it. There is no room for guilt because I am simply following what feels right.
Of course it would not be good to spend the day laying in bed everyday.
And I can't tell if I am projecting my own guilt onto someone else, or if it's just the reality that we are so fundamentally different when it comes to how we deal with situations that this person really is whispering into my ear, "no Sara, go do something productive. go, go, go. don't crawl into bed. you might get depressed."
I feel so judged by that whispering voice to the extent it makes me want to recreate my being entirely in attempt to please the voice.
I am too emotional, too needy, too worried, too anxious, too unmotivated, not domestic enough...
I think the majority of this is really a projection of my own feelings, but let me tell you, the moment those thoughts are echoed confirm any question in doubt.
I am too much and not enough.
But my own sake, and not yours, today I am enough.
Being an existentialist makes me want to live, search for meaning, create it, forgive myself, and also commit suicide.
I don't feel complete, and I am lacking "the courage to be." It's my responsibility to find it and at the same time I am told never to feel guilty for taking care of my needs even though others will judge me because of it. That is the process of discovery.
Today my body is feeling worn and empty, and telling my I need to spend the day resting and laying in bed. For the first time today, I was told by somebody if that's what I need to help myself today, than to do it. There is no room for guilt because I am simply following what feels right.
Of course it would not be good to spend the day laying in bed everyday.
And I can't tell if I am projecting my own guilt onto someone else, or if it's just the reality that we are so fundamentally different when it comes to how we deal with situations that this person really is whispering into my ear, "no Sara, go do something productive. go, go, go. don't crawl into bed. you might get depressed."
I feel so judged by that whispering voice to the extent it makes me want to recreate my being entirely in attempt to please the voice.
I am too emotional, too needy, too worried, too anxious, too unmotivated, not domestic enough...
I think the majority of this is really a projection of my own feelings, but let me tell you, the moment those thoughts are echoed confirm any question in doubt.
I am too much and not enough.
But my own sake, and not yours, today I am enough.
29 September 2008 @ 09:57 am
I have trouble getting angry about things a lot of time. Even when I have every right to be pissed, I just feel sad instead. Politics is an excellent exception to this. So I have created a fair and balanced explanation of where McCain and Obama stand on issues in the fashion of the only reliable news source out there. (Fox, duh.)
Abortion- McCain: in 1999 McCain said he would never repeal Roe v. Wade because it would force X amount of women to undergo dangerous and illegal abortions. ( as in being pushed down the stairs, coat hangers, punches to the belly, you get the idea.)
Oh but wait! In 2007 McCain said he thinks Roe v. Wade must be overturned because it was a flawed decision by the courts.
LIAR! ASSHOLE! OLD PERSON!. Better start saving up the wire coat hangers ladies.
Economy- McCain: Will cut corporate tax rate by 10%. McCain supports giving tax breaks to businesses for investing in technology and equipment, but fails to specify whether we're talking technology as in alternative energy sources...or equipment as in John Deers and guns.
GREAT PLAN JOHNNY BOY. (Don't even make me say the silly things Obama would do...like give tax incentives to companies that create US jobs, he also believes the NAFTA agreement should be renegotiated. (someone with a name like Obama would do that, right!?)
Civil Liberties- For some weird reason, I had trouble finding anything McCain supports in this genre. However, he does support wire-tapping and extending the Patriot Act. Good thing cause Obama doesn't, and Obama also does weird things like get Black people to vote and expand Hate Crime Statutes. THANK GOD WE CAN COUNT ON MCCAIN TO LISTEN IN ON OUR PHONE CALLS TO SAVE US F
Education- McCain supports the use of gold stars for those who do well on homework and tests. Obama wants more Math and Science education which could potentially result in a drop of gold stars. McCain also supports competitions to see who can be the richest school. More money= more gold stars. Obama wants everyone to afford kindergarten and college. CLEARLY MCCAIN WANTS STUDENTS TO DO WELL I
Energy- McCain wants to "look at nuclear possibilities." Obama wants to give health care coverage to US automakers in return for hybrid production. But really, need I say more? DRILL BABY DRILL!
Environment- Both believe in Global Warming. McCain says it's real and we can't ignore it. Obama says it's real and it must be stopped. I just feel this needs to be said once more, DRILL BABY DRILL!
Health Care- McCain opposes universal health care. Obama supports it. Obama things the government should buy Rx drugs in bulk to reduce cost, McCain thinks we should get drugs from China to reduce costs. Again Obama is a silly idealist who believes all American's should have health care and be able to afford it. McCain is a realist who believes Americans should be allowed to buy Health Care from the next state over if it's bigger and better than yours, like Texas.
Same Sex Issues- Surprisingly, both support Civil Unions but not same-sex marriage and believe individual states should be able to choose. Obama likes the gays though, go figure.
Taxes- McCain wants to make the Bush tax cuts of 2001 and 2003 permanent, with a few extra up his sleeve. Obama wants the tax cuts to expire for people making over $250,000. EVERYONE KNOWS REPUBLICANS CUT TAXES AND D
Iran- McCain is very worried about Iran getting weapons and giving them to terrorists. Obama just wants to hug it out.
Iraq- McCain defends the moral justifications for going to war with Iraq. Obama says he doesn't like "dumb wars" HE PROBABLY IS PRO-COOL WAR, HIS NAME IS BARAK OBAMA AFTER ALL.
Gun Control- McCain likes guns as long as they're not in the same state as him. Obama is against concealed assault weapons. MCCAIN PROVES AGAIN HE'S GOT COMMON SENS
National Security- McCain supports the Patriot Act in all of its glory, Obama does not. McCain also wants officials to have all the "tools" necessary to kill the terrorists. IN SIMPLE TERMS, OBAMA'S NOT A PATRIOT.
Immigration- McCain wants to give visas to Mexicans as long as they work on farms and in the landscaping business. Obama won't even give the poor guys illegal jobs. NEVER MIND WHO WILL ANSWER A 3:00 AM PHONE CALL, WHO WILL MOW YOUR LAWN?
Abortion- McCain: in 1999 McCain said he would never repeal Roe v. Wade because it would force X amount of women to undergo dangerous and illegal abortions. ( as in being pushed down the stairs, coat hangers, punches to the belly, you get the idea.)
Oh but wait! In 2007 McCain said he thinks Roe v. Wade must be overturned because it was a flawed decision by the courts.
LIAR! ASSHOLE! OLD PERSON!. Better start saving up the wire coat hangers ladies.
Economy- McCain: Will cut corporate tax rate by 10%. McCain supports giving tax breaks to businesses for investing in technology and equipment, but fails to specify whether we're talking technology as in alternative energy sources...or equipment as in John Deers and guns.
GREAT PLAN JOHNNY BOY. (Don't even make me say the silly things Obama would do...like give tax incentives to companies that create US jobs, he also believes the NAFTA agreement should be renegotiated. (someone with a name like Obama would do that, right!?)
Civil Liberties- For some weird reason, I had trouble finding anything McCain supports in this genre. However, he does support wire-tapping and extending the Patriot Act. Good thing cause Obama doesn't, and Obama also does weird things like get Black people to vote and expand Hate Crime Statutes. THANK GOD WE CAN COUNT ON MCCAIN TO LISTEN IN ON OUR PHONE CALLS TO SAVE US F
Education- McCain supports the use of gold stars for those who do well on homework and tests. Obama wants more Math and Science education which could potentially result in a drop of gold stars. McCain also supports competitions to see who can be the richest school. More money= more gold stars. Obama wants everyone to afford kindergarten and college. CLEARLY MCCAIN WANTS STUDENTS TO DO WELL I
Energy- McCain wants to "look at nuclear possibilities." Obama wants to give health care coverage to US automakers in return for hybrid production. But really, need I say more? DRILL BABY DRILL!
Environment- Both believe in Global Warming. McCain says it's real and we can't ignore it. Obama says it's real and it must be stopped. I just feel this needs to be said once more, DRILL BABY DRILL!
Health Care- McCain opposes universal health care. Obama supports it. Obama things the government should buy Rx drugs in bulk to reduce cost, McCain thinks we should get drugs from China to reduce costs. Again Obama is a silly idealist who believes all American's should have health care and be able to afford it. McCain is a realist who believes Americans should be allowed to buy Health Care from the next state over if it's bigger and better than yours, like Texas.
Same Sex Issues- Surprisingly, both support Civil Unions but not same-sex marriage and believe individual states should be able to choose. Obama likes the gays though, go figure.
Taxes- McCain wants to make the Bush tax cuts of 2001 and 2003 permanent, with a few extra up his sleeve. Obama wants the tax cuts to expire for people making over $250,000. EVERYONE KNOWS REPUBLICANS CUT TAXES AND D
Iran- McCain is very worried about Iran getting weapons and giving them to terrorists. Obama just wants to hug it out.
Iraq- McCain defends the moral justifications for going to war with Iraq. Obama says he doesn't like "dumb wars" HE PROBABLY IS PRO-COOL WAR, HIS NAME IS BARAK OBAMA AFTER ALL.
Gun Control- McCain likes guns as long as they're not in the same state as him. Obama is against concealed assault weapons. MCCAIN PROVES AGAIN HE'S GOT COMMON SENS
National Security- McCain supports the Patriot Act in all of its glory, Obama does not. McCain also wants officials to have all the "tools" necessary to kill the terrorists. IN SIMPLE TERMS, OBAMA'S NOT A PATRIOT.
Immigration- McCain wants to give visas to Mexicans as long as they work on farms and in the landscaping business. Obama won't even give the poor guys illegal jobs. NEVER MIND WHO WILL ANSWER A 3:00 AM PHONE CALL, WHO WILL MOW YOUR LAWN?
23 September 2008 @ 12:05 am
I'm finally starting to feel better and have a little more energy. I didn't realize this surgery would take so much out of me. Tonight has been a bit rough; I got hiccups and I'm fairly certain that's god's way of saying "fuck you" after stomach surgery.
I am trying not to let this school thing get the best of me. I just need to find that place within where I can conjure the strength and motivation to push through the whole thing. Summer school could be fun next summer.
It seems that old ghost has snuck up me and whispered "just go somewhere else, have a fresh start, everything will be better." It's rarely true. But oh so tempting in times like this.
I have a lot to be thankful for though, and that's what I need to be focusing on.
I have an amazing boyfriend who has stuck by my side through SO much. Plus he's super sexy and made me homemade Matzah Ball Soup the other night when I wasn't feeling well. What more could I ask for?
I go to a small school that's willing to work with me through stressful times.
I have parents and insurance that provide for my health needs (for the most part...)
I live in a great place with my best friend and the love of my life.
I am still young and have plenty of time to live.
If I get a colonoscopy at least I won't be constipated anymore.
My family loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.
I hold the solution to most of my problems.
I want these next 6 months to be constant steps in the right direction. The one that leads the the Sara I want to be.
A year and a half may not mean much to some, but to me that means a lot.
And on a random note, I'm dying to go on a vacation. In the near future preferably.
I am trying not to let this school thing get the best of me. I just need to find that place within where I can conjure the strength and motivation to push through the whole thing. Summer school could be fun next summer.
It seems that old ghost has snuck up me and whispered "just go somewhere else, have a fresh start, everything will be better." It's rarely true. But oh so tempting in times like this.
I have a lot to be thankful for though, and that's what I need to be focusing on.
I have an amazing boyfriend who has stuck by my side through SO much. Plus he's super sexy and made me homemade Matzah Ball Soup the other night when I wasn't feeling well. What more could I ask for?
I go to a small school that's willing to work with me through stressful times.
I have parents and insurance that provide for my health needs (for the most part...)
I live in a great place with my best friend and the love of my life.
I am still young and have plenty of time to live.
If I get a colonoscopy at least I won't be constipated anymore.
My family loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.
I hold the solution to most of my problems.
I want these next 6 months to be constant steps in the right direction. The one that leads the the Sara I want to be.
A year and a half may not mean much to some, but to me that means a lot.
And on a random note, I'm dying to go on a vacation. In the near future preferably.
10 September 2008 @ 03:42 pm
your threshold is neither solid nor liquid.
now's a wonderful time to say goodnight
the girl you left hours ago
sits upon her stump in her forest
looking for light in a fire-fly
your window of opportunity narrows
on and off you are
dull and bright
nonexistent
she knows your threshold is neither solid nor liquid
you know pessimism's a gas
a contagious art
to breath and be breathed
oh to choke
to say no
goodmorning you swallow
invisible in daylight
she feels your warmth on a sheet
left days ago
to hold and protect
you want to squeeze your eyes
see colors
she wants to see the light
a yellow-green flicker
you've got amber and cobalt
her eyes search the periodic table
knowing she'd never find you there
the leaves are falling
you wait
trying not to blink
it's impossible you know
not to blink
she knew to look to the unseen
some years ago
you believed
the girl believed
your threshold is neither liquid nor solid.
now's a wonderful time to say goodnight
the girl you left hours ago
sits upon her stump in her forest
looking for light in a fire-fly
your window of opportunity narrows
on and off you are
dull and bright
nonexistent
she knows your threshold is neither solid nor liquid
you know pessimism's a gas
a contagious art
to breath and be breathed
oh to choke
to say no
goodmorning you swallow
invisible in daylight
she feels your warmth on a sheet
left days ago
to hold and protect
you want to squeeze your eyes
see colors
she wants to see the light
a yellow-green flicker
you've got amber and cobalt
her eyes search the periodic table
knowing she'd never find you there
the leaves are falling
you wait
trying not to blink
it's impossible you know
not to blink
she knew to look to the unseen
some years ago
you believed
the girl believed
your threshold is neither liquid nor solid.
23 August 2008 @ 04:16 am
I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this morning because my period pains were so terrible. It started in the middle of the night (which is never does) with AWFUL cramping right now, as opposed to two days ago. This really sucks...not to mention, it's embarrassing when it comes unexpectedly. Yay for no babies.
I feel like an asshole about the way I acted last night, I don't know what my deal was. I should have just been thankful for something I would have loved to have. At this point, I am so ashamed of how I acted, I don't even want/ feel like I deserve it. Hey let's just blame it on PMS.
I officially resigned from SGA last night. It was really difficult and even looking back on it now I feel like I should have sucked it up and followed through. Now the President gets to appoint a temp VP and then get a 2/3 majority vote...that's gonna be tricky.
I'm freaking out about starting school. I just need to get past that first week and I know things will be fine, but I'm terrified.
I just want to curl up and die right about now it hurts so badly...but I have to work a double.
crap.
I feel like an asshole about the way I acted last night, I don't know what my deal was. I should have just been thankful for something I would have loved to have. At this point, I am so ashamed of how I acted, I don't even want/ feel like I deserve it. Hey let's just blame it on PMS.
I officially resigned from SGA last night. It was really difficult and even looking back on it now I feel like I should have sucked it up and followed through. Now the President gets to appoint a temp VP and then get a 2/3 majority vote...that's gonna be tricky.
I'm freaking out about starting school. I just need to get past that first week and I know things will be fine, but I'm terrified.
I just want to curl up and die right about now it hurts so badly...but I have to work a double.
crap.
19 August 2008 @ 01:53 am
The cats are running back and forth, making strange noises. I think they are making calls out to me, as they know these are the loneliest hours. But really, these noises are not natural...I'm a bit frightened. It's nearing 2, and I all I can think about is how much I miss the family I don't really have. If you are thinking, 'I'm not her family'...that probably means I am missing you right now.
I miss connection. Genuine connection.
I miss being excited to go to bed. More so, I miss being excited to wake up.
I miss connection. Genuine connection.
I miss being excited to go to bed. More so, I miss being excited to wake up.
15 August 2008 @ 01:37 am
12 August 2008 @ 12:55 pm
I feel a ghost in my own space
I've been hangin round here for far too long
I could have seen the signs
I could have read your mind
But I am just a ghost in my own space
You questioned your ability to handle me
For I am a ghost in your own space too
You could love me even though I wasn't real
Or you could save me the struggle
And tell me it's best I leave
I'm sure I have something beautiful waiting for me
somewhere far from here
a place that wants me, a place i belong
I just know it's something beautiful
Somewhere I can rest assured I am wanted
The puzzle piece I possess doesn't fit
I am a ghost in my own space
I've been hangin round here for far too long
I could have seen the signs
I could have read your mind
But I am just a ghost in my own space
You questioned your ability to handle me
For I am a ghost in your own space too
You could love me even though I wasn't real
Or you could save me the struggle
And tell me it's best I leave
I'm sure I have something beautiful waiting for me
somewhere far from here
a place that wants me, a place i belong
I just know it's something beautiful
Somewhere I can rest assured I am wanted
The puzzle piece I possess doesn't fit
I am a ghost in my own space
12 August 2008 @ 12:41 pm
it's hard to be the rock when the scissors come out to play. With the scissors come the paper, and not long after i feel defeated. All the while your hand mocks me in contempt saying I should have been the scissors, I should have been the paper. Inside I know you used to tell me to be the rock, inside i know you still want me to be the rock. That way you can continue to play with me and then judge me in my weak moments. I am just a complex game that can be put away in a moments notice by you simply sliding your hand into your pant pocket. You know the rock'll be there when you want to play again, but it's easiest for you to just put me away when something better comes along. Something more predictable, something that controls you rather you controlling it. You love to be controlled, you beg for it. With the rock you have three options- play it, change it, or quit. The rock has no say in it for it's purely something on your own creation. You hate that don't you?
23 July 2008 @ 03:31 pm
Aaron's family is in town, and we both have a nice break from work.
In 3 days, I'll be 21. I always get really sad on my birthday, it's been that way since my 4th birthday. I always wanted my mom, or friends (when I was younger), to throw me a party and since my 4th birthday it's never happened. Most years my birthday is a rude awakening of how few friends I have.
I don't feel myself at all these days. It seems I am just an outsider silently watching and judging every action my body and mind make. I've become detached and I disassociate the majority of the time. I've been off one of my medications for close to a week now, and I am hoping that's the only reason I feel this way. Maybe I can take a pill tonight and wake up feeling better tomorrow. I hope that's the case...
In 3 days, I'll be 21. I always get really sad on my birthday, it's been that way since my 4th birthday. I always wanted my mom, or friends (when I was younger), to throw me a party and since my 4th birthday it's never happened. Most years my birthday is a rude awakening of how few friends I have.
I don't feel myself at all these days. It seems I am just an outsider silently watching and judging every action my body and mind make. I've become detached and I disassociate the majority of the time. I've been off one of my medications for close to a week now, and I am hoping that's the only reason I feel this way. Maybe I can take a pill tonight and wake up feeling better tomorrow. I hope that's the case...
15 July 2008 @ 02:25 pm
I'm not sleeping at all and it's totally not working for me. The past 4 nights in a row, I've laid in bed for hours trying to sleep. I just can't. Aaron is fast asleep next to me, and I feel trapped in my waking hours. I try moving. I fell asleep on the floor the other night, last night I slept a total of 3 hours, two of them on the downstairs couch and the night before I didn't fall asleep until 6:30 a.m. There is no medication I haven't tried, and I know I should be excercising more but it's hard when I am working constantly and any time I'm not I'm exhausted.
I want the take home chef to find me shopping hopelessly at Ingles. I need someone to come to my house and cook dinner for me (and pay for it). I can imagine it though, and everything the take home chef would suggest would involve ingredients Aaron doesn't like.
I want to spend some time in the north west. I'd like to take a year off and move to Oregon. But I really would never graduate at that rate, and I suppose graduating is a priority. I wish I had more motivation.
I have an appt. with the gyno tomorrow, yay. I don't want to skip months at a time before having my period but at the same time I can't function during the first part of it. I wish I could go off of it completely, but I know it would do no good for the cramps and cysts, and for more obvious reasons, just not be a good idea.
I'd like to spend 2 months in the woods, and stop taking every single one of my medications cold turkey and just let myself be a bitch as I'm adjusting to the change, and then return to civilation and be able to deal with my Freak Disorder type II on my own, naturally. I am too medicated and yet never medicated enough. Bad news. Bad for my body and mind.
Today at work someone was explaining a girl they know to me, and the first way she did this was stating she was gorgeous and a little skinnier than me. A customer finally and bluntly stated my position as a "hostess" at the Square Root. They said, : look, our hostess has to bus all the tables and stop by every table every few minutes to make sure they are doing ok. She is their little bitch. I feel bad for her, I wonder how much they pay her." I was standing next to them, so I don't know if they figured I was deaf or just trying to make it clear they see what I see in an indirect way.
Today I dropped a glass, the second thing I've broken thus far. And the dish washer is great, but she makes fun of me in spanish and the cooks talk shit about me. I need to brush up on my spanish.
Well that was all quite negative, but I believe some very very good news is in the making. Soon to hear.
I want the take home chef to find me shopping hopelessly at Ingles. I need someone to come to my house and cook dinner for me (and pay for it). I can imagine it though, and everything the take home chef would suggest would involve ingredients Aaron doesn't like.
I want to spend some time in the north west. I'd like to take a year off and move to Oregon. But I really would never graduate at that rate, and I suppose graduating is a priority. I wish I had more motivation.
I have an appt. with the gyno tomorrow, yay. I don't want to skip months at a time before having my period but at the same time I can't function during the first part of it. I wish I could go off of it completely, but I know it would do no good for the cramps and cysts, and for more obvious reasons, just not be a good idea.
I'd like to spend 2 months in the woods, and stop taking every single one of my medications cold turkey and just let myself be a bitch as I'm adjusting to the change, and then return to civilation and be able to deal with my Freak Disorder type II on my own, naturally. I am too medicated and yet never medicated enough. Bad news. Bad for my body and mind.
Today at work someone was explaining a girl they know to me, and the first way she did this was stating she was gorgeous and a little skinnier than me. A customer finally and bluntly stated my position as a "hostess" at the Square Root. They said, : look, our hostess has to bus all the tables and stop by every table every few minutes to make sure they are doing ok. She is their little bitch. I feel bad for her, I wonder how much they pay her." I was standing next to them, so I don't know if they figured I was deaf or just trying to make it clear they see what I see in an indirect way.
Today I dropped a glass, the second thing I've broken thus far. And the dish washer is great, but she makes fun of me in spanish and the cooks talk shit about me. I need to brush up on my spanish.
Well that was all quite negative, but I believe some very very good news is in the making. Soon to hear.
10 July 2008 @ 02:42 am
I had a shitty night last night. I was making dinner for five people, and I even went back to the store to buy more chicken because I didn't think we would have enough for everyone, as I was just planning on it being Aaron and I. Everything went wrong. My dinner parties typically don't go down Oklahoma City style *anna, I am sure we can sympathize with this post* and so I was extremely flustered. I had two people over for dinner that I had never cooked for and I was making Chicken Piccata with whole wheat pasta, and salad. Let me just make this clear, this is not an easy recipe to make-nor double. So it calls for doing the chicken in two batches, and because I had so much food, the first batch had a lot of wonderful chicken and mushrooms and delicious flavors. While I am cooking the second batch, out of freaking no where, the PYREX baking dish I had placed the cooked chicken and mushrooms in EXPLODED. I don't mean cracked, or fell a part, it straight up Hiroshima exploded. The Pyrex massacre scared the living jesus out of me. Let that day go down in history as my worst cooking experience and dinner party. Remember the Pyrex! I think I should make bumper stickers or something. So, tiny shards of glass in the entire first batch, and then some in the second (which was served to our guests) and in the pasta. Julia was surely shaking her head on me, and Martha would have been more embarrassed than her scandal. I was worried we wouldn't have enough food for everyone, so I made garlic bread and of course, burned it. That's not like me, no like me at all, to fuck everything possible up at once. I also burned the shit out of my finger, it is still throbbing. I proceeded to leave my guests to go cry and sleep up stairs because I was too drunk and embarrassed. I don't even recall what I said to them. Or just how rude I was. My dear, sweet Aaron stayed with them and entertained them. Either way I am awake at an ungodly hour, and still upset about the Pyrex Massacre. And my finger.It fucking hurts.
On that note I will adjust my wish list for my birthday:
- pyrex baking dishes
- Light Blue perfume
- Absinthe from France
- a new GPS (i'm hoping my parents will get me this one)
- Aqua Globes
- Large tubes of acrylic paint, just in the basic colors. oh oh, and some canvas.
- unless someone really wants to go out of their way and buy me oils.
- a beautiful antique ring, or a ring with a single pearl on it
- a really pretty antique or vintage compact mirror, one that does not contain powder, and one that you can still see yourself in the mirror
- money
This is the first time I have ever had a wish list!! Feel free to share with family and friends;) some of these or more of a necessity rather than just a wish.
06 July 2008 @ 12:55 pm
Indestructible,
yet unforgivable.
Ambivalent,
yes, that's my feeling.
A strong cold stabstraight into the heart.
Dreary of the concept
that no matter whatlife will go on.
I'll break down,
but I'll also break through,
straight to the other side.
The side with green pastures
and the sun shining bright.
I won't cry,
I'll smile in my own shadow
as I realize,
things aren't really all that bad.
Seemingly seemless.
Doesn't sound right,
but means so much
coming straight from the heart.
yet unforgivable.
Ambivalent,
yes, that's my feeling.
A strong cold stabstraight into the heart.
Dreary of the concept
that no matter whatlife will go on.
I'll break down,
but I'll also break through,
straight to the other side.
The side with green pastures
and the sun shining bright.
I won't cry,
I'll smile in my own shadow
as I realize,
things aren't really all that bad.
Seemingly seemless.
Doesn't sound right,
but means so much
coming straight from the heart.